I am actually not made of jello?

A weird thing started happening a few months ago. I can't remember which popped out first, but one day I felt something weird on my body. A bone! I think it was my hip bones. I really don't have any fat on my hips, but my tummy kind of hung over. Recently, I have started to see the beginnings of my collarbone. Then I noticed that my shoulders looked very odd. Wait a minute, those are shoulder bones! Maybe even the start of shoulder blades! So a few nights ago I was going to the bathroom and noticed something strange on my knee. My left knee has been bothering me, so I thought I had discovered the problem. But wait, I see it on my right knee too. They are bones!! Of course my middle still looks like a bowl full of jelly, but when I am laying down I can feel my ribs! I am even starting to see some definition in my face! Woo hoo!

I hate to blog and run...

...but, I have a job interview this afternoon which I must get ready for. Some quick thoughts of the day:

I lost three pounds today for a grand total of 70 lost, yay!!

All along I had it in my head that 185 would get me to "overweight", but either they changed it or I was sadly mistaken. So I have three more pounds to be "overweight" and not "obese". Not that it matters, since fat is fat, but it's the principle of the thing!

Only thirty pounds to go to be in at the tippy top of "normal".

Even once I get to "normal", I will still be bitter and sarcastic. Get over it. I mean really, does no one speak sarcasm anymore? Maybe I just need a Facebook break for awhile. Or maybe people need to stop taking everything so seriously. Perhaps the problem is I only know a few people who speak Ann. You know, who get me. I need to hang onto them, and maybe advertise for a few more.

I want to go to this interview about as much as getting my teeth pulled. And I hate the dentist.

Be back later :-)

Second Verse, Same as the First.

Today is weigh in day, and I am still at 188. I am very happy I didn't gain though, because I weighed myself several times this week and each time I was over 188. I am not exactly sure what is going on, but I do think some of it is hormonal. This week is the week of the month that my metabolism kicks in to gear and I have a big loss, so I am pinning my hopes on that. If I don't have my usual big loss, after a one pound gain and then a maintain, I will be disappointed. I also suspect my body is trying to adjust to my current weight. I mean, I haven't been in the 180's in about 23 or 24 years, so it may be in shell shock and holding onto every morsel. I have also been walking more the last few weeks, including some big hills, so that may be part of the issue also. My body has to adjust to the more intense exercise.

When I first started WW, I had 32 points a day. I now have 25 a day. That is 35 less a week. In addition to that, I have 35 weekly points, as well as any activity points I earn. I started out not always eating all of my daily points, which is bad. I also tried not to use the weeklies, until I was told if you don't start using them now, your body will get used to less food, and you won't get to use them later. I generally use about 15-20 of them, give or take. I know I need to do this the rest of my life. And I can not exist on the minimum points for the rest of my life. So, if eating the weeklies means losing slow, then I will continue to lose slow. Many people on the WW message boards say they can't lose if they don't use the weeklies and the activity points. Of course, it also depends what you use them on. Anyway, some people can't use the weeklies at all. But, I just don't think I can exist like that. I may try it on one of my slow metabolism weeks, but I don't know if that will help. Back in the first month or two, when I didn't use them, I had much smaller losses. So I think my body needs the fuel. Who knows. My body is a very strange machine. I mean, where as most people are fertile when they are younger, I tried everything under the sun, and got pregnant on my own at almost 40. So, the weight thing is no different. I will just keep plugging along.

Wait, where am I?

Yesterday, I went shopping. I am trying to get by with the bare minimum, since I am hoping to keep going down in sizes. I have wanted a sundress for the longest time. So I have been looking this summer. I bought a sweater about a month ago, so I figured a sleeveless dress could get me through summer, plus be an interview/work option with the cardigan. So Macy's was having a sale. I have tried on several dresses in their woman's department. They didn't have the one that I had wanted, and I didn't like anything else. Wouldn't you know, I finally feel comfortable enough to get a sundress and those long flowing ones are in style. My legs are the smallest things on me. Those long dresses look like MuMu's on me. So, I go down to Misses. I have explored the Misses department some. The other day I tried on dresses at Old Navy, and was shocked to find the xl's fit me. But they didn't have anything I really liked enough to get. I was also weirded out by the fact that the fitting rooms were all in one spot. Men, women, kids, all together. When you are fat, they keep you away from everyone else. So, I peruse the Misses department, and pick up a few things to try on. And while doing so, I am sure that at any moment a sales person is going to ask me if I need help and tell me I am in the wrong department. The fat sizes are upstairs. But, I go to the fitting room unaccosted. I try on the xl dresses, and some are even too big. Then I go over to another department, and try on one of those big flowing dresses. Yuk. But still, no one is telling me to leave. No one even seems to notice that I am possibly too large to be there.

In the end, I found a cute dress. In the Misses department!! And, on sale! I was so excited. And, I felt so....normal. Weird.

Still feeling sucky.

I am having one of those especially ugly feeling days. I feel fat. Of course, I am fat. Not AS fat, but still fat. And even though I am certainly much better off now than 8 months ago, I still feel icky. Now, while most of my weight is in my middle, I also have a large amount of fat on my face. I have a big head and neck anyway, and I guess they just grab the fat and add it on. My face is very pudgy. There are lots and lots of head shots on the WW message board, and a lot of those women look like they are thin, because they don't even have double chins. But many actually weigh 100 pounds more than me. Ugh. My fat can't sit on my hips or in my legs. It has to sit in my middle and on my face. Nice.

Sucky weigh in.

Ugh, up one pound. Granted, I was surprised to be down two last week, but I do not like gains. Until a few weeks ago I had only gained once, and that was months ago. And, I deserved that gain. But the one a few weeks ago, and this one, are totally unexplainable to me. I only used 15 weeklies last week, and I earned 21 activity points. So I had 41 points I could have used. Which may be part of the problem, but I am scared to use too many. This is a week I usually maintain, so who knows. It is frustrating though. And it makes me feel like it is going to get harder and harder the further I go.

A fat chicks worst enemy.

The heat. After hardly any spring weather, let alone any summer weather, we had a heat wave this week. Yes, we went from high 60's and cloudy to mid nineties and sunny. I love the sun. But not the heat. The heat is not kind to fat people. I love summer. But I always dread dealing with summer clothes, and getting too hot. I HATE being hot. Air conditioning is high on my list of priorities once I start working again. However, there are other more important things ahead of it, so for now I have to go to my parents house and enjoy their a/c.

So, for the first time in 19 years, I bought a bathing suit. I looked last year, but they were very expensive, and I didn't find any that fit. Besides being fat, my body is very oddly proportioned. But this year I found one! I have taken Sophie swimming twice, to indoor pools. And on Friday, I put it on and ran through the sprinkler with her in the backyard. On top of that, I have actually worn tank tops out in public. Previously, I have only worn them at home. So yesterday we went to a park for some summer festivities, and I wore a tank top. I sprayed on some sunscreen, but I guess I failed to cover the virgin skin on my shoulders. In other words, pasty white skin that hasn't seen sunlight in years and years. I got burned so bad it hurt to lay in bed last night.

But, besides the painful sunburn, it is rather liberating to be able to enjoy summer in some summer clothing! I am still overweight, and I have ugly skin hanging off my arms, but being able to go swimming with my daughter is one of about a zillion reasons I embarked on this journey in the first place. It is awesome!

Fatty thoughts of the day.

Summer has finally arrived in Seattle, woo hoo! Back in April, I bought clothes for our trip to New York on the 1st of May. I bought one pair of shorts and several tops. When we were there, I bought another pair of shorts. Now that it is finally warm here, most of those items are too big. Of course, you can wear clothes that are too big, but in some cases, they just look way too ridiculous. Like the denim shorts I bought here. If I wasn't holding them up with Chet's belt (it fits!), they would be around my ankles. And they are horribly too big everywhere else. So today Sophie and I met my friend at my favorite mall, and we did a little shopping. Mostly we hung out at the play area and Sophie's honorary auntie filled her with sugar, but we did get a little shopping done.

Besides the fact that I am not working and can ill afford to spend money on clothes that only fit a month or two, I am in sizing purgatory. Too big for the womens sizes, and not quite in the misses. I can wear some misses tops, but bottoms are still a little snug. Now, bottoms have always been an issue. Even when I was a twenty four in the middle, my legs were about a size ten. Add to that, clothing manufacturers seem to think if you are large you have ginormous legs and boobs. I have neither. Thankfully, the "skinny leg" look came back in this year. Skinny leg pants fit my legs like normal pants should. So, I got a cute pair of "skinny leg" shorts, and a tank top. I tried the outfit on for my hubby when I got home, and he got a weird look on his face when he saw the shorts. Apparently, that brand is for "juniors". A. Fat chicks with skinny legs can't be choosy. B. I have like 5 pairs of jeans in that brand, including the pair I have been wearing on most outings with him lately. C. I am only 43!! I can wear juniory things, right? It's not like I am dealing with a teenage daughter. By the time Sophie is in her teens, I will be in my mid fifties. Maybe by then misses clothes will fit me. Or maybe I will still want to wear junior clothes anyway :-)

Not as fat Tuesday

So I weighed in today, praying for no gain. Traditionally, this is a stay the same week. And I had one cupcake yesterday, and two on Sunday. Plus I feel so bloated I would swear I gained ten pounds. So I was shocked and happy to see 187!! Actually, at first I was disoriented, trying to figure out what it said. So I got off and on the scale several times. I don't have a digital scale. That's why you will never see my losses as 1.8 or .06. Today I was closer to 186. That's why I was so confused. But after a few on and offs, I decided it was between 187 and 186, so I count it as 187. Maybe one day I will get a digital. But I am kind of attached to this one, since it is the one I started with. Anyway, I attribute the loss to walking four days this past week. I am hoping to do 5 days this week. It is supposed to be hot though, so it will have to be very early or very late.

Willpower?

So, I keep getting lots of comments and compliments on my willpower. Now, I will say in the first few months, it did take some willpower. And even now occasionally I will get frustrated and cry because I want to eat something and know I can't. But that's the thing. I know I can't. It is not worth it to me points wise. But I don't know if it is really willpower. It's just that after a while, my thinking changes. In this instant, having a borderline obsessive personality works to my advantage. I am obsessed with my points. I am obsessed with losing weight. Also, the fact that I am doing Weight Watchers and can still eat pretty much anything, helps a lot. It's funny, because I get comments like, oh you aren't eating cake. Umm, yeah I am. Not very often, and it better be really good cake to use my points on. And it depends on where I am in my week, etc. But if I know I am going to a party with cake or something else I want to eat, I plan for it. I am all about planning. Not just on WW. My hubby will tell you, every day off he has ever had while we have been together, I ask, "what is the plan?" He never has one. Anyway, I am on a mission, one I know I have to be on for the rest of my life to be healthy, so that is my motivation.

I also get comments from others about being a bad influence if they are eating something they deem as bad. Like a fatty like me can't control herself in the presence of fattening food. But I have never been one to be influenced by other people. I never got the drinking thing, for example. Just because others are drinking, that doesn't make me want to drink. I will sometimes have a drink, like my Cinco de Mayo Margarita. I very much have my own mind. Where I have to be careful is, some people do need that reassurance. Like, when you go shopping with someone and they pull everything they like out and say "isn't this cute?" And it isn't, to me. Sometimes I smile and nod. Sometimes, depending on who it is, I make a face, or say it would be cute on you. And then they put it back. Why? If you like it, it doesn't matter that someone else doesn't. This is why doing WW online works for me. I like to do my own thing. Some people say they need to go to the meetings and have other people look at them disapprovingly. That would not help me. And I do not need to sit in meetings with size 4 women whining about needing to lose 5 pounds. My point is, you can take me to the Cheesecake factory and order a big ass piece of cheesecake, and that isn't going to "ruin my diet". Unless I planned for it. But I'm not sure even my beloved cheesecake is points worthy. :-)