The day started out so well!

Sorry, I never even posted last week, though I did update my weight last week. I lost one pound last week, and one pound this week. So I am at 175, and have lost 80 pounds!
I was very happy to hit this milestone this morning. Then the day went to hell in a hand basket.

I took my daughter to preschool, and no one was there. They canceled class today, and nobody called me. Since I worked last night, I wasn't too happy that I could have slept in. So we went back home, and Sophie was very upset, kicking and crying. I left for the mall, and she and Chet were going to head to the grocery store after he took a shower. Chet had left his phone at work, so I couldn't get a hold of him. When I got home, the garage door was wide open. Then I went to go in, and the door into the house was open. As I stepped in, our bedroom door was wide open. I started calling for our dog Toby. I'm not really sure what I thought at that point. I was just scared that Toby got out and wouldn't be found. When I didn't find him in the house, I ran outside. I found him in the backyard. I was so relieved, I didn't think much of it. I thought Chet must have forgotten to close the doors. It didn't even occur to me that it could be something else, even though all three doors were open. About ten minutes later, I went to move his briefcase, because it was in my way. It flew open, and when I went to shut it, I noticed that both locks were broken. That's when I realized someone had been in the house. The tv's and computers were still here, so I went into our master bedroom. Sure as shit, my big jewelry box was gone. They also took our two camera's, and our video camera. There was lots of important stuff in my jewelry box. I called 911, and the police came, lifted fingerprints, and talked to the neighbors. I hope they can catch the person. I really want my things back. Plus I would like to beat the shit out of this person.

As much as I want to comfort myself with food, I really haven't. I used three weeklies, which I always do on weigh in day. Usually I use 5 on Tuesdays. Right now, I am very upset, but I can't cry. I hope I don't start comforting myself with food.

Holding at 177

Well, at least as of Tuesday. Right now, I think I am up. Let's hope I at least stay at 177 by this Tuesday. Since I am closing the next four days, it is possible. It will be busy, I will get a lot of exercise, and I won't be home to eat a ton of snacks at night. As long as I don't go overboard when I get home. I have a bad cold, so I have been sucking on cough drops. While I know they add up a little, I refuse to track cough drops. I will have 15-20 weeklies leftover, plus activity points, so I should be okay. I just need to stay out of Sophie's Halloween candy!

I happened upon a bmi calculator this morning. My current bmi is 28.3. I plugged in my starting weight, and my bmi was 43.2. I had no idea it was that high. I had been using the Wii, and they had my bmi in the 38ish range. Although, at that time I was hovering in the low 240's. Also, according to this calculator, I have to get to 154 to be normal, and not 155. The WW bmi calculator has it at 155. The one I used this morning was attached to an ad for a weight loss center near me. It said you had to have a bmi of 40 to qualify for the surgery. So I would have more than qualified. Which I knew, but to see it in black and white is kind of jarring.

Howling Tuesday

It is almost Halloween! I love Halloween! All holidays, really. Of course, I love Halloween candy. Last year, I started WW 11 days before Halloween. Of course, I had a lot more points than I do now, so I was able to still indulge in some candy and have good losses. Last week, I did have some candy. Only now, I try not to have more than two fun size bars in a day. I did have three Reeses one day, spread out through the day. Before WW, it would have been at least three times as much. Still, I lost two pounds this week. Down to 177. I am pretty happy with that. All the exercise I am getting at work is paying off.

WW Anniversary

On this day last year, I signed up for WW online. It was a Monday night, and I had been getting desperate about my weight. So much so that I had been talking to my hubby about weight loss surgery. He was very much against it, and it was something I had always said I would not do. But I had been off work for over a year, and had gained 10 pounds. The year previous to getting pregnant, I had lost 30+ pounds. I gained 15 while pregnant, and quickly lost 22. Then it crept back on. So when Sophie was a year, I was 10 pounds heavier than before I got pregnant. And then a year later, I was 20 pounds heavier than before I got pregnant. I was only about 12 pounds or so below my highest weight. I had sworn I would never see 250 again. The next morning, I weighed in at 255. That was 10/20/2009. This morning I weigh 179. I am really hoping that next year I will be between 135 and 140. I really don't know my exact goal. I am just trying to get to "normal" on the charts, which is 155. Then I will go from there. But I am much happier at 179 then I was at 255!

75 down!

Finally, I had a loss! One pound. Since this is the week I usually gain, I am glad to have a loss. And I am very happy to have hit 75 lost. It has taken me 7 months to lose 25, after losing the first 50 in 5 months. I know, the more you lose, the harder it is. Now I have at least 25 more to lose. Next week is my one year anniversary on WW. I would love to have a good loss next week. But at least I hit 75!

Slooowww going

So this week I was still at 181. And every day since Tuesday, 181. Will I ever get out of the 180's?! Well, I am starting a new job tomorrow. Said job will involve lots of walking, standing, and lifting. So I am thinking this may kick start my weight loss. That is if I don't start overeating to cope with the trauma of going back to work and leaving Sophie.

A loss is a loss.

Or so they say. You don't dare go on the WW message board and complain about any kind of loss. Especially not a two pound loss. Even though I just lost what I gained last week. And my pattern of losing four pounds every fourth weeks was broken. I like that I have posted my weights on the right hand side of my blog page. It is much easier to read them that way then on the weight tracker. I have been in the 180's since the end of June. So even if I lose 2 pounds next week, it will have taken me 3 months to lose ten pounds. I know, it slow down as you go, but still it is frustrating.

I am going to try and work on not taking bites here and there this week. I was very strict about that in the beginning, but I have slacked off. If you have a bit here and there, they add up. I caught my self a few times today. And a couple of times it was too late. I weigh and measure my food, so my meals are pretty accurate. But I am not going to go track a couple of pretzel fish, or a few bites of something, but that adds up.

A thin line.

So, yesterday was weigh in, and I had a two pound gain. Better than the four pounds I was up a few days ago. But that put me back to 183, a pound over the overweight/obese line. This morning I was back to 182, but it isn't official until next weeks weigh in. And if my pattern continues, I will have a good loss next week. The irony? I was pretty good last week. I knew that that was a week I usually gain or maintain. I used 10 1/2 weeklies. I ate some M&M's. I baked 70 mini cupcakes for a couple of meetings last week, and ate one. Yes, one mini cupcake that was two points. I was at our Church's Fall Festival all day Saturday. I took one of my two point sandwiches, low fat crackers and carrots. We did have dinner there, where I had one and a half small burritos and four tortilla chips. I did not partake in any of the yummy baked goods. And I worked on my feet for 9 hours. But, I know this is what my body does. On the other hand, we went to the fair yesterday. I used 8 &1/2 weeklies yesterday alone. I had an onion burger, fries, and a scone. And I still had some M&M's last night. And I was down a pound this morning. I love the one week a month that my metabolism kicks in to high gear!

I really hope that I do have a good loss this week and get out of the danger zone of obesity. Since I know I am having a 2-3 pound gain a month, I need to get as far away from that thin line as possible. Even though I realize it is just a number. And really, I still look obese. Which leads me to:

I am currently doing physical therapy for some knee issues. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not super touchy feely. I have gotten more so, but not with people I don't know. So it is very uncomfortable for me to be in this big room full of people and have the Physical therapist feeling all over. I mean, I am lying on a table and he is trying to find my hip flexors. Good luck with that, buddy. I can't wait until he asks me to hold my big tummy so he can find them. Last week he was feeling my sides and torso, and asked if I had a shirt on under my shirt. Um no, but that has never stopped you before. So he says, these must be adhesions. WTF? Oh, I realize then that he is talking about all of my stretch marks. Yes, you can feel them as well as see them. Good Lord. I can't wait until this torture is over. I also stand wrong, walk wrong, my femur and tibia are longer on the left, and my posture overall sucks. But I am overweight, not obese! Maybe I should tell him that tomorrow. Yesterday I explained that my posture was due to all of my weight being in the middle, and that I used to weigh 74 pounds more. I wasn't looking at him, so I don't know for sure if he rolled his eyes.

Mid week check in.

Okay, it isn't quite mid week, but two days after weigh in, I am up two pounds. Yikes. I ate quite a few peanut M&M's last night while playing Bunco. At least this mornings scale reading kept me from partaking in all the goodies at the brunch. I haven't even eaten one of the yummy mini cupcakes I made. I did however, get into the peanut M&M's this afternoon. Then I told my hubby to eat the rest. Maybe I should check on that. Or maybe not. I need to really work on being good the rest of the week. I do not want to lose my overweight status! I have also noticed that I have gotten lazy with the whole "bites, licks and tastes" thing. I need to stop that and make sure I record every point. Which doesn't happen when I just have a bite here or a taste there.

Of course I am very happy with my weight loss so far. It does present a little issue though. It draws attention to me. For the most part it is great attention. Even though I am not good at receiving compliments. I have been trying to just say thank you and not disqualify the compliment, like "thanks, I'm not doing good tonight though". Don't get me wrong, I love the compliments. I do find it weird when people who haven't seen me in awhile ask if I have lost weight. I usually answer, yes, I have lost 74 pounds, or whatever the number is at the time. I mean really? Maybe I should try saying no next time. There are a lot of people that don't say anything. Which is especially weird when one person gets all excited, going on about how great I look, etc., and the person with them stares at me like, what are you talking about? Then there are the "your face looks so different" comments. Not really sure what to make of those. To quote Rachel on Friends, "good different?" I get it, I still have a ways to go. I know I am still fat. Even though I get called "skinny" all the time. Commence the weird stares from onlookers. IT is pretty funny.

Dodged a bullet!

No gain this week! Now I have to be very careful not to gain this coming week. Of course I would love a loss, but these are the two weeks of the month were I either stay the same or gain. This week I have some challenges. I am hosting bunco at my house tomorrow, which means serving some yummy food. Then I have a brunch on Thursday, where there will be more yummy food. Saturday, I will be working our Fall Festival at church all day. There will be tons of good food there, and I will be hungry! So I will have to be careful and aim not to have a gain. Then the following week is wen I usually have a good loss.

Overweight!!

I lost two pounds this week, putting me at 181. For my height, well my height rounded down to 5'6" since I am around 5'6" and 3/4 of an inch. The next two weeks will be rough, since I gained a total of three pounds last month during those slow metabolism weeks. But I hope to maintain my overweight status. Yes, I probably still look obese, but by the numbers I am overweight. Twenty six pounds overweight, to be exact. After being 100 pounds overweight for so long, that is really cool. It wasn't until well into this journey that I discovered I was never actually morbidly obese. I know at least one of my doctor's had referred to me as morbidly obese, but by the charts I was always at least 20 pounds away from that. And I know I look like I weigh more than I do, since I have no legs, no butt, a slight shortage in the boob area, and even my arms are not that big for my weight. But to be overweight and not obese is very motivating! And, I am one pound from a 75 pound loss!

Now I have to wrap my head around this. I am so close to the 170's. I don't even remember being in the 170's. It had to be somewhere in my senior year of high school. I still always forget that I don't have to go to the Woman's department. And I keep picking up larger sizes of clothing, and being surprised when they are too big. I am going to have to buy some fall clothes soon. I think I am still in woman's sizes in jeans, but not tops. I may get into a misses 16, but I will find out when I go looking for jeans. My proportions still haven't evened out. Though I have lost in the middle, I have also lost in my legs. Thank God skinny jeans are back!

So, let's hope I don't have to announce in the next week or two that I am obese again. May I never be back there again!!

My how things have changed!

Do not get me wrong, I still have my moments, like when I start eating M&M's and don't want to stop. But, most of the time my approach to food, especially sweets, is totally different than before WW. I really like to bake, but that leaves us with lots of leftovers. So I try to give some away to the neighbors and/or my parents. We hosted a meeting at our house, and I made cupcakes. I gave a lot of those away, but I had left over frosting. Yummy, homemade buttercream frosting. The other night I frosted a bunch of graham crackers and put them in the fridge. I had one too, for three points. Which I felt guilty about. Then I had another one last night. Now mind you, before I would have finished off half the plate before they ever made it to the fridge. So today we had a playdate over here. Everyone brought their own lunch, and as they were finishing I went in to get some animal cookies for the kids. Then I remembered the frosted graham crackers. I brought the plate out, and they were all gone in 15 minutes. And I wasn't even tempted to have one! Now, my three year old had two. But she hardly eats, so I am excited when she eats much of anything. And I am excited that food is no longer such an issue for me. Woo hoo!

Blogging 101

I have been terrible about blogging! And I do it much more often on this one than my other one! I see I have gotten into a pattern of just blogging on weigh in day. I will try to be better!

First things first. Today's weight: 183. So down 4 pounds. This is the week I always have a good loss. I didn't use as many weeklies as I usually use this week. This is the one week my metabolism is fast. I just need to work on not gaining. I am one pound from being overweight and not obese!!

So I went to the doctor, and it looks like I have something called Patella sublexion in my knee. I am supposed to start physical therapy next week, but I don't know how I am going to fit that in. Plus it is a $20 copay for each visit and the doctor ordered 10. I will probably go a couple times, but I don't see going all ten times. This has really put a crimp in my exercise routine.

There is so much going on right now. Sophie is starting preschool in two weeks. I have a couple of things coming up. I am involved in helping with the fall festival at church, which is in two and a half weeks. The same week Sophie starts school and that I am supposed to host Bunco at my house. Meanwhile, I am trying hard to find a job. I have an interview tomorrow. Last night I stayed up until midnight redoing my resume. I have known that it was way too wordy, so I trimmed it way down. I really hate feeling like I can't plan anything because I don't know when I will get a job. When I am not hearing anything, I freak out about money. Then when I get an interview I freak out about going back to work. Ugh. I am going to try and relax and do better at this interview than the last one.

How the heck do you spell plateau?

In case you haven't noticed, I have my weigh in's listed to the right of this blog. I didn't go all the way back, but I put my starting weight from 10/20 and then I have been updating it since I started the blog. Well, today I had a two pound gain. On top of a one pound gain last week. So I am at 187. If you look at my weigh in's, you will see I am at the same weight I was 6 weeks ago! So I am not staying the same every week, I am now going up and down. But essentially I am stuck in the mid 180's. Ugh.

Yes, I did use more weeklies than usual. And I probably shouldn't have used any, because I know that is a week that my metabolism is slow. But with Sophie's birthday and the retreat, that wasn't realistic. So I accept the gain and hope to lose next week!

I want to eat!!

I really want to eat right now. Yes, I have four daily points left, which will buy me a Skinny Cow ice cream cone and a small bag of popcorn. But, I want to eat without worrying about points for once. I won't, but I want to!

Tuesday check in.

I gained one pound this week, so back up to 185. This is the same week that I had a gain last month. I actually expected a bigger gain, because my feet have been very swollen. I did something to my knee, but I am hoping it will go away on it's own. I don't have the time or inclination to go to the doctor. Especially since they will say "go home, ice it, do exercises and take ibprofin(allergic)".

Sophie turned three today! We have been celebrating for a week, so I have not been eating my normal stuff. I haven't gone crazy or anything, but I'm sure too much sodium is part of the issue with the swelling. Should be semi back to normal tomorrow, except we still have lot's of goodies in the house, including half a cake and some cupcakes.

This is a very busy week. Tomorrow is the first day in a long time that I plan to stay home. I have some things I must do, and bunco in the evening, but we can have a lazy morning. I am so tired right now, but I need to apply for at least one job. I am getting to panic mode on the job front. At least I am at the point now that I really need a job and that should override all of my aprehension when it comes to interviews. I made a few mistakes on the last one, due to nerves and my overall disdain over the thought of going to work. But my down and dirty savings figure is staring me in the face, so I must get a job. The fact that Sophie will soon start preschool makes it much easier. She is growing up so fast. Where have those three years gone?!

Birthday weekend

It is not my birthday weekend, but rather a much more important birthday weekend. My miracle baby is going to be three on Tuesday! Since my sister was here until yesterday morning, we started the celebrating extra early. We had a birthday dinner out on Thursday for Sophie and her auntie Gina, who's bday is five days after Sophie. Grandma made a yummy birthday cake, with leftovers for Friday. Friday we got take out from Taco Del Mar, since they don't have those in Denver. I did good on that, getting the small burrito and making substitutions. Plus, I skipped the cake on Friday. Yesterday it rained, so we left it up to Sophie if she wanted daddy's homemade pizza or a picnic on the floor, and of course she wanted a picnic. Somehow she heard me whisper the McDonald's possibility to Chet, so that is what she wanted. I got a small burger and fries, which isn't too bad points wise. Then I made cookies for a picnic that we were suppose to go to today. I had two of those. While I still have 20.5 weeklies left, the last few days I have done terrible on the good health guidelines, and had lots of sodium. My face swelled up Friday night, and last night my feet did. I need to drink lots of water and do pretty good today and tomorrow, or I will for sure have a gain. Tomorrow we are having an ice cream social to celebrate Sophie's birthday with her friends. I will have to avoid the ice cream. I am making mini cupcakes for the party, too. Then Tuesday is her actual birthday. Thank God that is weigh in day, since I am baking a cake and we are planning to take her to the Rainforest Cafe for dinner!

Right now I am pretty overwhelmed with life, and am trying not to let that effect my eating. Normally it would. On top of that, I am in a piss poor mood today. Those of you that read my other blog may recall my list of things that I just "don't get". To add to that, I don't get why people in Seattle cancel long made plans at the hint of a little rain. I wanted to have Sophie's party today, but a group I belong to had a picnic planned for today. There was never any hint it may be canceled due to rain. We had a covered shelter reserved. I started making my stuff last night, and we told Sophie we were going to a real picnic today. This morning I get an email that it is canceled. No explanation, so I must assume it was canceled due to the threat of a few raindrops. BAER. Really, am I the only one that still planned to go? Very disappointing. So I guess Sophie, Chet and I will have our own picnic. And next year I will not make her birthday plans around other peoples plans.

It's that day again!

I lost a pound this week, yay! Just two more to be "overweight" on the charts. The next couple weeks will be tough. Sophie's birthday is one week from today, and then I am going on a weekend retreat the weekend after. SO lots of yummy food the next couple of weeks. On the plus side, I am very busy, so that gives me less time to munch. I have been doing pretty good at avoiding really pointy food. Yesterday I actually packed one of my two point sandwiches, carrots and crackers for a trip to the zoo. While everyone else had grilled burgers or hot dogs, I had a nice, healthy lunch. I did share about 6 of Sophie's yummy fries. Before, I would not have missed out on greasy, "out for a meal" food. No way would I pack my only lunch! I lived for going out. But now, I am no longer living to eat!!

I am actually not made of jello?

A weird thing started happening a few months ago. I can't remember which popped out first, but one day I felt something weird on my body. A bone! I think it was my hip bones. I really don't have any fat on my hips, but my tummy kind of hung over. Recently, I have started to see the beginnings of my collarbone. Then I noticed that my shoulders looked very odd. Wait a minute, those are shoulder bones! Maybe even the start of shoulder blades! So a few nights ago I was going to the bathroom and noticed something strange on my knee. My left knee has been bothering me, so I thought I had discovered the problem. But wait, I see it on my right knee too. They are bones!! Of course my middle still looks like a bowl full of jelly, but when I am laying down I can feel my ribs! I am even starting to see some definition in my face! Woo hoo!

I hate to blog and run...

...but, I have a job interview this afternoon which I must get ready for. Some quick thoughts of the day:

I lost three pounds today for a grand total of 70 lost, yay!!

All along I had it in my head that 185 would get me to "overweight", but either they changed it or I was sadly mistaken. So I have three more pounds to be "overweight" and not "obese". Not that it matters, since fat is fat, but it's the principle of the thing!

Only thirty pounds to go to be in at the tippy top of "normal".

Even once I get to "normal", I will still be bitter and sarcastic. Get over it. I mean really, does no one speak sarcasm anymore? Maybe I just need a Facebook break for awhile. Or maybe people need to stop taking everything so seriously. Perhaps the problem is I only know a few people who speak Ann. You know, who get me. I need to hang onto them, and maybe advertise for a few more.

I want to go to this interview about as much as getting my teeth pulled. And I hate the dentist.

Be back later :-)

Second Verse, Same as the First.

Today is weigh in day, and I am still at 188. I am very happy I didn't gain though, because I weighed myself several times this week and each time I was over 188. I am not exactly sure what is going on, but I do think some of it is hormonal. This week is the week of the month that my metabolism kicks in to gear and I have a big loss, so I am pinning my hopes on that. If I don't have my usual big loss, after a one pound gain and then a maintain, I will be disappointed. I also suspect my body is trying to adjust to my current weight. I mean, I haven't been in the 180's in about 23 or 24 years, so it may be in shell shock and holding onto every morsel. I have also been walking more the last few weeks, including some big hills, so that may be part of the issue also. My body has to adjust to the more intense exercise.

When I first started WW, I had 32 points a day. I now have 25 a day. That is 35 less a week. In addition to that, I have 35 weekly points, as well as any activity points I earn. I started out not always eating all of my daily points, which is bad. I also tried not to use the weeklies, until I was told if you don't start using them now, your body will get used to less food, and you won't get to use them later. I generally use about 15-20 of them, give or take. I know I need to do this the rest of my life. And I can not exist on the minimum points for the rest of my life. So, if eating the weeklies means losing slow, then I will continue to lose slow. Many people on the WW message boards say they can't lose if they don't use the weeklies and the activity points. Of course, it also depends what you use them on. Anyway, some people can't use the weeklies at all. But, I just don't think I can exist like that. I may try it on one of my slow metabolism weeks, but I don't know if that will help. Back in the first month or two, when I didn't use them, I had much smaller losses. So I think my body needs the fuel. Who knows. My body is a very strange machine. I mean, where as most people are fertile when they are younger, I tried everything under the sun, and got pregnant on my own at almost 40. So, the weight thing is no different. I will just keep plugging along.

Wait, where am I?

Yesterday, I went shopping. I am trying to get by with the bare minimum, since I am hoping to keep going down in sizes. I have wanted a sundress for the longest time. So I have been looking this summer. I bought a sweater about a month ago, so I figured a sleeveless dress could get me through summer, plus be an interview/work option with the cardigan. So Macy's was having a sale. I have tried on several dresses in their woman's department. They didn't have the one that I had wanted, and I didn't like anything else. Wouldn't you know, I finally feel comfortable enough to get a sundress and those long flowing ones are in style. My legs are the smallest things on me. Those long dresses look like MuMu's on me. So, I go down to Misses. I have explored the Misses department some. The other day I tried on dresses at Old Navy, and was shocked to find the xl's fit me. But they didn't have anything I really liked enough to get. I was also weirded out by the fact that the fitting rooms were all in one spot. Men, women, kids, all together. When you are fat, they keep you away from everyone else. So, I peruse the Misses department, and pick up a few things to try on. And while doing so, I am sure that at any moment a sales person is going to ask me if I need help and tell me I am in the wrong department. The fat sizes are upstairs. But, I go to the fitting room unaccosted. I try on the xl dresses, and some are even too big. Then I go over to another department, and try on one of those big flowing dresses. Yuk. But still, no one is telling me to leave. No one even seems to notice that I am possibly too large to be there.

In the end, I found a cute dress. In the Misses department!! And, on sale! I was so excited. And, I felt so....normal. Weird.

Still feeling sucky.

I am having one of those especially ugly feeling days. I feel fat. Of course, I am fat. Not AS fat, but still fat. And even though I am certainly much better off now than 8 months ago, I still feel icky. Now, while most of my weight is in my middle, I also have a large amount of fat on my face. I have a big head and neck anyway, and I guess they just grab the fat and add it on. My face is very pudgy. There are lots and lots of head shots on the WW message board, and a lot of those women look like they are thin, because they don't even have double chins. But many actually weigh 100 pounds more than me. Ugh. My fat can't sit on my hips or in my legs. It has to sit in my middle and on my face. Nice.

Sucky weigh in.

Ugh, up one pound. Granted, I was surprised to be down two last week, but I do not like gains. Until a few weeks ago I had only gained once, and that was months ago. And, I deserved that gain. But the one a few weeks ago, and this one, are totally unexplainable to me. I only used 15 weeklies last week, and I earned 21 activity points. So I had 41 points I could have used. Which may be part of the problem, but I am scared to use too many. This is a week I usually maintain, so who knows. It is frustrating though. And it makes me feel like it is going to get harder and harder the further I go.

A fat chicks worst enemy.

The heat. After hardly any spring weather, let alone any summer weather, we had a heat wave this week. Yes, we went from high 60's and cloudy to mid nineties and sunny. I love the sun. But not the heat. The heat is not kind to fat people. I love summer. But I always dread dealing with summer clothes, and getting too hot. I HATE being hot. Air conditioning is high on my list of priorities once I start working again. However, there are other more important things ahead of it, so for now I have to go to my parents house and enjoy their a/c.

So, for the first time in 19 years, I bought a bathing suit. I looked last year, but they were very expensive, and I didn't find any that fit. Besides being fat, my body is very oddly proportioned. But this year I found one! I have taken Sophie swimming twice, to indoor pools. And on Friday, I put it on and ran through the sprinkler with her in the backyard. On top of that, I have actually worn tank tops out in public. Previously, I have only worn them at home. So yesterday we went to a park for some summer festivities, and I wore a tank top. I sprayed on some sunscreen, but I guess I failed to cover the virgin skin on my shoulders. In other words, pasty white skin that hasn't seen sunlight in years and years. I got burned so bad it hurt to lay in bed last night.

But, besides the painful sunburn, it is rather liberating to be able to enjoy summer in some summer clothing! I am still overweight, and I have ugly skin hanging off my arms, but being able to go swimming with my daughter is one of about a zillion reasons I embarked on this journey in the first place. It is awesome!

Fatty thoughts of the day.

Summer has finally arrived in Seattle, woo hoo! Back in April, I bought clothes for our trip to New York on the 1st of May. I bought one pair of shorts and several tops. When we were there, I bought another pair of shorts. Now that it is finally warm here, most of those items are too big. Of course, you can wear clothes that are too big, but in some cases, they just look way too ridiculous. Like the denim shorts I bought here. If I wasn't holding them up with Chet's belt (it fits!), they would be around my ankles. And they are horribly too big everywhere else. So today Sophie and I met my friend at my favorite mall, and we did a little shopping. Mostly we hung out at the play area and Sophie's honorary auntie filled her with sugar, but we did get a little shopping done.

Besides the fact that I am not working and can ill afford to spend money on clothes that only fit a month or two, I am in sizing purgatory. Too big for the womens sizes, and not quite in the misses. I can wear some misses tops, but bottoms are still a little snug. Now, bottoms have always been an issue. Even when I was a twenty four in the middle, my legs were about a size ten. Add to that, clothing manufacturers seem to think if you are large you have ginormous legs and boobs. I have neither. Thankfully, the "skinny leg" look came back in this year. Skinny leg pants fit my legs like normal pants should. So, I got a cute pair of "skinny leg" shorts, and a tank top. I tried the outfit on for my hubby when I got home, and he got a weird look on his face when he saw the shorts. Apparently, that brand is for "juniors". A. Fat chicks with skinny legs can't be choosy. B. I have like 5 pairs of jeans in that brand, including the pair I have been wearing on most outings with him lately. C. I am only 43!! I can wear juniory things, right? It's not like I am dealing with a teenage daughter. By the time Sophie is in her teens, I will be in my mid fifties. Maybe by then misses clothes will fit me. Or maybe I will still want to wear junior clothes anyway :-)

Not as fat Tuesday

So I weighed in today, praying for no gain. Traditionally, this is a stay the same week. And I had one cupcake yesterday, and two on Sunday. Plus I feel so bloated I would swear I gained ten pounds. So I was shocked and happy to see 187!! Actually, at first I was disoriented, trying to figure out what it said. So I got off and on the scale several times. I don't have a digital scale. That's why you will never see my losses as 1.8 or .06. Today I was closer to 186. That's why I was so confused. But after a few on and offs, I decided it was between 187 and 186, so I count it as 187. Maybe one day I will get a digital. But I am kind of attached to this one, since it is the one I started with. Anyway, I attribute the loss to walking four days this past week. I am hoping to do 5 days this week. It is supposed to be hot though, so it will have to be very early or very late.

Willpower?

So, I keep getting lots of comments and compliments on my willpower. Now, I will say in the first few months, it did take some willpower. And even now occasionally I will get frustrated and cry because I want to eat something and know I can't. But that's the thing. I know I can't. It is not worth it to me points wise. But I don't know if it is really willpower. It's just that after a while, my thinking changes. In this instant, having a borderline obsessive personality works to my advantage. I am obsessed with my points. I am obsessed with losing weight. Also, the fact that I am doing Weight Watchers and can still eat pretty much anything, helps a lot. It's funny, because I get comments like, oh you aren't eating cake. Umm, yeah I am. Not very often, and it better be really good cake to use my points on. And it depends on where I am in my week, etc. But if I know I am going to a party with cake or something else I want to eat, I plan for it. I am all about planning. Not just on WW. My hubby will tell you, every day off he has ever had while we have been together, I ask, "what is the plan?" He never has one. Anyway, I am on a mission, one I know I have to be on for the rest of my life to be healthy, so that is my motivation.

I also get comments from others about being a bad influence if they are eating something they deem as bad. Like a fatty like me can't control herself in the presence of fattening food. But I have never been one to be influenced by other people. I never got the drinking thing, for example. Just because others are drinking, that doesn't make me want to drink. I will sometimes have a drink, like my Cinco de Mayo Margarita. I very much have my own mind. Where I have to be careful is, some people do need that reassurance. Like, when you go shopping with someone and they pull everything they like out and say "isn't this cute?" And it isn't, to me. Sometimes I smile and nod. Sometimes, depending on who it is, I make a face, or say it would be cute on you. And then they put it back. Why? If you like it, it doesn't matter that someone else doesn't. This is why doing WW online works for me. I like to do my own thing. Some people say they need to go to the meetings and have other people look at them disapprovingly. That would not help me. And I do not need to sit in meetings with size 4 women whining about needing to lose 5 pounds. My point is, you can take me to the Cheesecake factory and order a big ass piece of cheesecake, and that isn't going to "ruin my diet". Unless I planned for it. But I'm not sure even my beloved cheesecake is points worthy. :-)

Fat Tuesdays, Huge, and acceptance

Tuesdays are my weigh in day. Only because I signed up on a Monday night and started the next morning. For the last several months I have been in a weird pattern that exactly coincides with my monthly cycle. So for the first two weeks I maintain, the third week, as soon as the egg drops, I lose a pound or two, and the fourth week, when I am a raving, starving pms lunatic, I lose three or four. This week I lost four. I fed the beast. I used 20 weeklies, but went out three times, so it is likely some of those calculations were off. The last two months I have lost at least one pound every week, except last week when I had the one pound gain. So I lose about 6 pounds a month. This morning I was at 189, woo hoo! Which means in one month, I should be around 183. My next big milestone is 185. A. That will be 70 lost, and b. that puts me as "overweight" on the charts and not obese. I am trying to kick up the exercise, so maybe I will get there sooner!

So last week I see an ad with a picture of actress Nikki Blonsky, who is overweight, and the title HUGE. Of course I immediately think, wtf? It is a new show that premiered last night on abc family. Well, a few days ago they started talking about it on the WW message boards. The post I read was from someone that was afraid this show was going to make kids think it is okay to be obese. Insert BAER (big ass eye roll). As is the case with many posts on the WW message boards, and the one other message board I visit regularly, I had to back out of that one. I still had only a vague idea of what the show was about. Nikki plays a camper at a fat camp who smuggles in fattening foods and sells it to her fellow campers. Should be interesting. Because I really want to see how they are going to portray fat teenagers and how society treats them. The first episode was good, though I forgot and missed the first ten minutes. Nikki's character doesn't want to lose weight, she actually wants to gain. There are boys and girls of all sizes, all "overweight" but not all obese. Her character is named Wilhemina, wish I found hilarious, because that is what I would have been named if my dad(William) had his way. In the end, "Wil" runs away and finds herself in a diner sitting behind the director and the new cook, who is then revealed to be the directors dad. Wil doesn't eat the chocolate shake and fries she ordered, and goes back to the camp with the skinny doctor/director where we find out she was a camper there 20 plus years ago. Personally, so far, I think it is very well done. I don't think it is going to encourage kids to be obese. But I also hope it will make some kids/adults a little more accepting. Perfect.

Of course we all know that being overweight is unhealthy. Yet, there are a ton of behaviors that are unhealthy. The thing is, when you are fat, you can't hide it. It is like wearing a sign that says "I am an alcoholic" or, "I drive like a freaking maniac". But even those behaviors, almost any behaviors, are more accepted in society than being fat. Because we have such an emphasis on being beautiful and attractive. Some people treat overweight people with total disdain. My personal opinion is that is just a reflection of their own insecurities. Remember the old adage "putting others down to make yourself feel better"? It is so true. But making fun of fat people is socially acceptable. Being fat is not. Don't give me that shit about it being unhealthy. Really, that is besides the point. Because that is not why kids and adults look down on fat people. It is because to them we are unattractive, and putting us down makes them feel more attractive.

So while everyone tries to figure out the obesity epidemic and blames fast food, I blame society, and my arch enemy, the media. Yes, you may become overweight because you do not eat healthy. If your parents feed you chicken nuggets and Mcd's all the time, you are going to start gaining weight. But why do some people stop, and some don't? Umm, maybe because being made fun of is very depressing, and comfort is found in food?!

After looking for a diagnosis for years for a female problem that started at puberty, I was finally diagnosed in 1991 with pcos. Which stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome. This syndrome has a host of symptoms, which vary from person to person. It affects 1 in 10 women. Of course I got all of the worse symptoms. Weight in the middle, no periods, excess hair, insulin resistance, terrible mood swings, and infertility. I have been visiting a pcos message board for years, and one time I read a post from someone that exactly summed up how I felt. She said she eats when she is depressed, and she was fat, hairy and ugly, so of course she was depressed. Exactly. It is a vicious cycle. I was entering the 8th grade when I first started getting called fat. At first this made me try to subsist on Cheese Its and water. I lost some weight, but still since I had the tummy pooch, common with the pcos, I was unattractive. Really, I was far from fat. But that kind of feedback is very depressing, which made me eat more.

Imagine you are a slightly chubby ten year old, and not only are you mercilessly teased at school, you see everything in the media pointing to how awful and ugly fat people are. And you are getting called fat everyday, maybe even by your parents. Do you think that is going to make the ten year old want to lose weight? Chances are, they will just start eating more, or maybe develop another eating disorder. So while I think eating healthy in the schools and at home is very important, overweight kids still need to be told that they are beautiful as they are. We are never going to be a society with no fat people in it. And the thin people need to get over that. And the idea that everyone that is heavy sits in their car eating triple cheeseburgers, like they portray on the Biggest Loser, is frickin insane. There are people with a slow metabolism, insulin resistance and other issues that make maintaining their weight hard. If you have never been fat, you can not look at a fat person and assume you know how they got that way. Until smokers get made fun of on a daily basis and are treated like the sludge of society just because they smoke, lay the eff off the fat people. Nobody on this earth gets through life with out some bad habits, or even unhealthy ones. Everyone needs to accept everyone else as they are. Then, maybe society can come back down to reality and function as normal human beings, treating everyone with respect.

I am Ann

Okay, so in my last post I said if I am not fat, who am I? But really, "I" know who I am, and always have. I remember even as a child having a great sense of self. My problem is how I project that onto others. And I am very interested to see if things change if and when I get to a normal weight, or if it has nothing to do with my weight at all. From observing my family, I am beginning to think it has more to do with the environment I was raised in then my weight. Though I do know that my weight and looks make me self conscious to a point. And maybe some is genetic. I know as a young child I was very outgoing and would go up and talk to anyone. By the time I was in the 5th grade, I started hearing that "shy" word. And by high school, I would not talk unless spoken to. Which is pretty much how it has remained. Now once you speak to me, watch out. Because I won't shut up. And you will know more about me than you ever wanted to.

A lot of my confidence and self esteem I acquired at work. Up until my junior year in high school I played soccer and I was pretty good. But I was not good in school. I just was not interested. My ability to write is the only reason I passed at all. I swear, I got full points on many test essay questions when I hadn't even read the material. I can't bullshit in person to save my life, but on paper I rock. As I will get into more in depth at some point, my parents have their own issues which were reflected on us. I got praise from my dad for my soccer skills. But most other feed back I got was negative. When it came time to apply for college my mom said that they did not want to waste the money on me, because they needed to send my sister the next year, and she was an honor student. One of my all time favorite quotes, which pretty much sums up my parents attitude, is from right after my high school graduation. We got in the car and my dad says "Nobody clapped for you". Yep. No "great job, we are so proud of you!" I swear, the only reason I have any confidence or self esteem is the inner strength that God blessed me with. That and my job, and later Chet and Sophie. I worked with Chet, and we were friendly. And at some point, I decided I had to have that boy. And it didn't matter that I was fat. I pursued him until he said uncle. As far as Sophie goes, I will do everything I can to make sure she believes she is the most special person in the world. When people make comments about her being shy(so), or any other put downs, my blood literally boils. I don't know how far I am going to get with all this parental comparative talk. Kids are who they are. Sophie is advanced in speech, but she is selective on who she will talk to. And she does not do things on demand. Don't tell my child to wave, because you may get the finger. And it may be mine.

Perhaps it is because I was not a fat child, but I never really felt like a fat person, per say. Being fat is just a fact, but doesn't define me. I hate when I refer to myself as fat and someone says "don't put yourself down". Umm, I wasn't, I was stating a fact. Or, "you are not fat". Yeah, okay. My favorite is my mother telling me to suck my stomach in. Because you know, that works when you are 200 pounds plus. I have never dealt with blatant teasing. I have read so many times about fat people being called names, and I only remember that happening maybe once or twice. Now, I did get called fat bitch at work by rude, cheating, thieving customers. To which I always smirked, since I couldn't say, umm yes, I am fat, and sometimes I am a bitch. But right now I am just following policy moron. Sometimes I was fat white bitch. No, I got the passive aggressive and constant question, "when are you due". Now some people honestly thought I was. Stupid people, because while I do carry a lot of weight in my stomach, it is pretty obvious that I am fat. My usual response is no, just fat. But being asked that question when you are desperately trying to have a baby, and a few times during my two miscarriages, is very hard. So sometimes I was as snappy as one could be while trying to be polite to customers. But many times, they asked just to be facetious. Like the few that actually argued with me that I must be because I looked pregnant. Please, unless you KNOW someone is pregnant, do not ask when they are due. Or if they are pregnant. Though, at least with that question it is left open that maybe you aren't. But most people just assumed that I was. And even having lost weight, they would still be asking, trust me.

The other thing that happened to me many times, and prompted the title of my blog, is the assumption that I couldn't possibly be with my hubby, since I am a fatty Mcfatty and he is not. Imagine sitting next to your husband, and someone asking the person sitting across, with their hubby, if she is Chet's wife. Or my fav, when we went to New York for the first time and Chet and I were sitting in a pew at church for his brother's wedding rehearsal and the girl behind us was asked if she was Ann. Chet's best friend is heavy, and if the three of us go out together, it is assumed that he and I are the couple. That even happened at Sophie's baptism. Mind you, he is black, and Sophie clearly is not. I love Chet's family, but the first time I met them, I would have sworn they never saw a fat person in their life.

So, to the outside world, that is what I am. A fat person. I am very good at remembering names, usually. I knew the names of hundreds of customers at seven different stores. If I meet someone, or just hear their name in a group setting, I remember them. I may not have talked directly to them, because if they didn't talk to me, I probably didn't approach them. But once I have heard their name, I remember them, and assume they know my name. Which is rarely the case. Is it because I am fat, and they just stored "fat girl" in their memory? I don't know. But I can't wait to find out. :-)

Tomorrow is weigh in day, woo hoo!

The weight of it.

My WW journey began on Monday night October 19th. That is when I signed up for WW online. Now, I am very tight with money. Or rather, I worry about it constantly. So spending the money to sign up for three months was a big deal. You see, in August of 2008, I left my job. I brought home about 70% of our income, and the only way I was able to leave was by setting aside money in savings to pay the mortgage and car payment. We have really scaled back on our living expenses, so I am very careful about what I spend. But, I had reached breaking point. When I started to talk to my hubby about weight loss surgery, I knew it was time to do something. I had always said I wouldn't do surgery. I love food way to much to shrink my stomach to the size of a pea. The thing is, I had planned to take a year off, stay home with Sophie, and work on my weight. I wanted to change my life. Start anew, and do a little reinvention. But there I was, not any smaller but actually starting to gain.

So I signed up, and on Tuesday morning 10/20/09, I weighed myself. Now, previous to finally conceiving Sophie, I had lost weight. When I got pregnant in November of 2006, I weighed 235. I had lost over 30 pounds since 2005. I gained 15 pounds during the pregnancy, most of it water at the end. Ten days after having her, I was under 230. Then it started creeping back on. I went back to work when she was nine weeks old and worked for ten months. I hovered around 240, and when I left was probably around 245. My job was very physical, with a lot of fast walking, bending and some lifting. I worked part of the time at my desk, but I did get daily exercise. Being home, even chasing after a toddler, I don't get near the exercise. Last summer I was walking about three times a week. I had also started the Wii, and went from 250 to about 243. But by October, I wasn't walking or Wii-ing. When I stepped on the scale that morning, I was 255.

The first week, I lost seven pounds. That really lifted my spirits. It actually worked! Because really, I wasn't convinced. Over the years, my eating habits had greatly improved. I just could not understand why I was gaining. But that very first day, when I had to account for everything I ate, was a huge wake up call. I fixed Sophie's plate, and when she was done, I went to clean it. Then I stopped myself. I can't eat this! The Sophie leftovers alone where hundreds of calories at least. Then she wanted snacks. And I realized that when I got her crackers, I always had some. Totally mindless eating that I hadn't even noticed. But no more! Because now I had a points budget. And if there is one thing I am good at, it is sticking to a budget!!

So on 10/27/09, I was down seven pounds. Out of the 250's, where I had vowed previously I would never be again. And on that day, we put down our beloved pug Simon. Our first baby. He had been in bad shape for quite a while, and I was in denial, much like I was with the weight. Ignoring the issue because it was too hard to deal with. But that weekend, I watched him struggle to follow me everywhere I went. And I knew it was time. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Normally, I would have eaten myself into oblivion. Thank God I had to stick to my points budget. I had to deal with my grief without food.

So here I am, eight months later. I weigh 193. Under 200!! I actually had a one pound gain last week, only the second since I started. But it wasn't because I went buck wild with food. It was because I struggled to eat my points most of the week. I didn't feel good, and wasn't hungry. Then I got my appetite back, and used weeklies right before weigh in, and I gained. But, that is just part of the journey. I am 8 pounds from being overweight, and not obese. When I reach 185, I will be 30 pounds overweight, and not 100 pounds obese. So exciting! But scary too. Because if I am no longer fat, then who the hell am I? At some point, people may actually start to look at me, and remember my name when they meet me. I am not used to that. But I am hiding no more.

Where do I begin?

I was a normal weight as a child, and started gaining during puberty. In the 7th grade, I was 78 pounds. By the tenth I was in the 140's, and by the time I graduated high school, I was around 180. After that, I didn't weigh myself for a long time.

Why?? Why does a person become obese? Why would anyone let themselves get to 260+ pounds. For me, I know the reasons are many. But the fact is, for whatever reason, I wanted to be. Because if I really didn't, I wouldn't be. Yes, there are contributing factors, physical and mental. But the filthy truth is, I didn't want to deal with it, so for many years I didn't. Yes, there was some up's and down's on the scale. But to really attack the problem and deal with it? I did it once, in the mid 90's. I got under 200 pounds for a very brief amount of time. Then I settled in, and started creeping back up.

Equal to the many reasons I was obese in the first place, are the amount of reasons that I started Weight Watchers and started losing. The nitty gritty? I wanted to live a healthier, longer, and richer life than I was living. It has already gotten better! And at the same time, it is scaring the crap out of me. Because I am slowly coming out of hiding. Even though I have been here all along...