Fat Tuesdays, Huge, and acceptance

Tuesdays are my weigh in day. Only because I signed up on a Monday night and started the next morning. For the last several months I have been in a weird pattern that exactly coincides with my monthly cycle. So for the first two weeks I maintain, the third week, as soon as the egg drops, I lose a pound or two, and the fourth week, when I am a raving, starving pms lunatic, I lose three or four. This week I lost four. I fed the beast. I used 20 weeklies, but went out three times, so it is likely some of those calculations were off. The last two months I have lost at least one pound every week, except last week when I had the one pound gain. So I lose about 6 pounds a month. This morning I was at 189, woo hoo! Which means in one month, I should be around 183. My next big milestone is 185. A. That will be 70 lost, and b. that puts me as "overweight" on the charts and not obese. I am trying to kick up the exercise, so maybe I will get there sooner!

So last week I see an ad with a picture of actress Nikki Blonsky, who is overweight, and the title HUGE. Of course I immediately think, wtf? It is a new show that premiered last night on abc family. Well, a few days ago they started talking about it on the WW message boards. The post I read was from someone that was afraid this show was going to make kids think it is okay to be obese. Insert BAER (big ass eye roll). As is the case with many posts on the WW message boards, and the one other message board I visit regularly, I had to back out of that one. I still had only a vague idea of what the show was about. Nikki plays a camper at a fat camp who smuggles in fattening foods and sells it to her fellow campers. Should be interesting. Because I really want to see how they are going to portray fat teenagers and how society treats them. The first episode was good, though I forgot and missed the first ten minutes. Nikki's character doesn't want to lose weight, she actually wants to gain. There are boys and girls of all sizes, all "overweight" but not all obese. Her character is named Wilhemina, wish I found hilarious, because that is what I would have been named if my dad(William) had his way. In the end, "Wil" runs away and finds herself in a diner sitting behind the director and the new cook, who is then revealed to be the directors dad. Wil doesn't eat the chocolate shake and fries she ordered, and goes back to the camp with the skinny doctor/director where we find out she was a camper there 20 plus years ago. Personally, so far, I think it is very well done. I don't think it is going to encourage kids to be obese. But I also hope it will make some kids/adults a little more accepting. Perfect.

Of course we all know that being overweight is unhealthy. Yet, there are a ton of behaviors that are unhealthy. The thing is, when you are fat, you can't hide it. It is like wearing a sign that says "I am an alcoholic" or, "I drive like a freaking maniac". But even those behaviors, almost any behaviors, are more accepted in society than being fat. Because we have such an emphasis on being beautiful and attractive. Some people treat overweight people with total disdain. My personal opinion is that is just a reflection of their own insecurities. Remember the old adage "putting others down to make yourself feel better"? It is so true. But making fun of fat people is socially acceptable. Being fat is not. Don't give me that shit about it being unhealthy. Really, that is besides the point. Because that is not why kids and adults look down on fat people. It is because to them we are unattractive, and putting us down makes them feel more attractive.

So while everyone tries to figure out the obesity epidemic and blames fast food, I blame society, and my arch enemy, the media. Yes, you may become overweight because you do not eat healthy. If your parents feed you chicken nuggets and Mcd's all the time, you are going to start gaining weight. But why do some people stop, and some don't? Umm, maybe because being made fun of is very depressing, and comfort is found in food?!

After looking for a diagnosis for years for a female problem that started at puberty, I was finally diagnosed in 1991 with pcos. Which stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome. This syndrome has a host of symptoms, which vary from person to person. It affects 1 in 10 women. Of course I got all of the worse symptoms. Weight in the middle, no periods, excess hair, insulin resistance, terrible mood swings, and infertility. I have been visiting a pcos message board for years, and one time I read a post from someone that exactly summed up how I felt. She said she eats when she is depressed, and she was fat, hairy and ugly, so of course she was depressed. Exactly. It is a vicious cycle. I was entering the 8th grade when I first started getting called fat. At first this made me try to subsist on Cheese Its and water. I lost some weight, but still since I had the tummy pooch, common with the pcos, I was unattractive. Really, I was far from fat. But that kind of feedback is very depressing, which made me eat more.

Imagine you are a slightly chubby ten year old, and not only are you mercilessly teased at school, you see everything in the media pointing to how awful and ugly fat people are. And you are getting called fat everyday, maybe even by your parents. Do you think that is going to make the ten year old want to lose weight? Chances are, they will just start eating more, or maybe develop another eating disorder. So while I think eating healthy in the schools and at home is very important, overweight kids still need to be told that they are beautiful as they are. We are never going to be a society with no fat people in it. And the thin people need to get over that. And the idea that everyone that is heavy sits in their car eating triple cheeseburgers, like they portray on the Biggest Loser, is frickin insane. There are people with a slow metabolism, insulin resistance and other issues that make maintaining their weight hard. If you have never been fat, you can not look at a fat person and assume you know how they got that way. Until smokers get made fun of on a daily basis and are treated like the sludge of society just because they smoke, lay the eff off the fat people. Nobody on this earth gets through life with out some bad habits, or even unhealthy ones. Everyone needs to accept everyone else as they are. Then, maybe society can come back down to reality and function as normal human beings, treating everyone with respect.

I am Ann

Okay, so in my last post I said if I am not fat, who am I? But really, "I" know who I am, and always have. I remember even as a child having a great sense of self. My problem is how I project that onto others. And I am very interested to see if things change if and when I get to a normal weight, or if it has nothing to do with my weight at all. From observing my family, I am beginning to think it has more to do with the environment I was raised in then my weight. Though I do know that my weight and looks make me self conscious to a point. And maybe some is genetic. I know as a young child I was very outgoing and would go up and talk to anyone. By the time I was in the 5th grade, I started hearing that "shy" word. And by high school, I would not talk unless spoken to. Which is pretty much how it has remained. Now once you speak to me, watch out. Because I won't shut up. And you will know more about me than you ever wanted to.

A lot of my confidence and self esteem I acquired at work. Up until my junior year in high school I played soccer and I was pretty good. But I was not good in school. I just was not interested. My ability to write is the only reason I passed at all. I swear, I got full points on many test essay questions when I hadn't even read the material. I can't bullshit in person to save my life, but on paper I rock. As I will get into more in depth at some point, my parents have their own issues which were reflected on us. I got praise from my dad for my soccer skills. But most other feed back I got was negative. When it came time to apply for college my mom said that they did not want to waste the money on me, because they needed to send my sister the next year, and she was an honor student. One of my all time favorite quotes, which pretty much sums up my parents attitude, is from right after my high school graduation. We got in the car and my dad says "Nobody clapped for you". Yep. No "great job, we are so proud of you!" I swear, the only reason I have any confidence or self esteem is the inner strength that God blessed me with. That and my job, and later Chet and Sophie. I worked with Chet, and we were friendly. And at some point, I decided I had to have that boy. And it didn't matter that I was fat. I pursued him until he said uncle. As far as Sophie goes, I will do everything I can to make sure she believes she is the most special person in the world. When people make comments about her being shy(so), or any other put downs, my blood literally boils. I don't know how far I am going to get with all this parental comparative talk. Kids are who they are. Sophie is advanced in speech, but she is selective on who she will talk to. And she does not do things on demand. Don't tell my child to wave, because you may get the finger. And it may be mine.

Perhaps it is because I was not a fat child, but I never really felt like a fat person, per say. Being fat is just a fact, but doesn't define me. I hate when I refer to myself as fat and someone says "don't put yourself down". Umm, I wasn't, I was stating a fact. Or, "you are not fat". Yeah, okay. My favorite is my mother telling me to suck my stomach in. Because you know, that works when you are 200 pounds plus. I have never dealt with blatant teasing. I have read so many times about fat people being called names, and I only remember that happening maybe once or twice. Now, I did get called fat bitch at work by rude, cheating, thieving customers. To which I always smirked, since I couldn't say, umm yes, I am fat, and sometimes I am a bitch. But right now I am just following policy moron. Sometimes I was fat white bitch. No, I got the passive aggressive and constant question, "when are you due". Now some people honestly thought I was. Stupid people, because while I do carry a lot of weight in my stomach, it is pretty obvious that I am fat. My usual response is no, just fat. But being asked that question when you are desperately trying to have a baby, and a few times during my two miscarriages, is very hard. So sometimes I was as snappy as one could be while trying to be polite to customers. But many times, they asked just to be facetious. Like the few that actually argued with me that I must be because I looked pregnant. Please, unless you KNOW someone is pregnant, do not ask when they are due. Or if they are pregnant. Though, at least with that question it is left open that maybe you aren't. But most people just assumed that I was. And even having lost weight, they would still be asking, trust me.

The other thing that happened to me many times, and prompted the title of my blog, is the assumption that I couldn't possibly be with my hubby, since I am a fatty Mcfatty and he is not. Imagine sitting next to your husband, and someone asking the person sitting across, with their hubby, if she is Chet's wife. Or my fav, when we went to New York for the first time and Chet and I were sitting in a pew at church for his brother's wedding rehearsal and the girl behind us was asked if she was Ann. Chet's best friend is heavy, and if the three of us go out together, it is assumed that he and I are the couple. That even happened at Sophie's baptism. Mind you, he is black, and Sophie clearly is not. I love Chet's family, but the first time I met them, I would have sworn they never saw a fat person in their life.

So, to the outside world, that is what I am. A fat person. I am very good at remembering names, usually. I knew the names of hundreds of customers at seven different stores. If I meet someone, or just hear their name in a group setting, I remember them. I may not have talked directly to them, because if they didn't talk to me, I probably didn't approach them. But once I have heard their name, I remember them, and assume they know my name. Which is rarely the case. Is it because I am fat, and they just stored "fat girl" in their memory? I don't know. But I can't wait to find out. :-)

Tomorrow is weigh in day, woo hoo!

The weight of it.

My WW journey began on Monday night October 19th. That is when I signed up for WW online. Now, I am very tight with money. Or rather, I worry about it constantly. So spending the money to sign up for three months was a big deal. You see, in August of 2008, I left my job. I brought home about 70% of our income, and the only way I was able to leave was by setting aside money in savings to pay the mortgage and car payment. We have really scaled back on our living expenses, so I am very careful about what I spend. But, I had reached breaking point. When I started to talk to my hubby about weight loss surgery, I knew it was time to do something. I had always said I wouldn't do surgery. I love food way to much to shrink my stomach to the size of a pea. The thing is, I had planned to take a year off, stay home with Sophie, and work on my weight. I wanted to change my life. Start anew, and do a little reinvention. But there I was, not any smaller but actually starting to gain.

So I signed up, and on Tuesday morning 10/20/09, I weighed myself. Now, previous to finally conceiving Sophie, I had lost weight. When I got pregnant in November of 2006, I weighed 235. I had lost over 30 pounds since 2005. I gained 15 pounds during the pregnancy, most of it water at the end. Ten days after having her, I was under 230. Then it started creeping back on. I went back to work when she was nine weeks old and worked for ten months. I hovered around 240, and when I left was probably around 245. My job was very physical, with a lot of fast walking, bending and some lifting. I worked part of the time at my desk, but I did get daily exercise. Being home, even chasing after a toddler, I don't get near the exercise. Last summer I was walking about three times a week. I had also started the Wii, and went from 250 to about 243. But by October, I wasn't walking or Wii-ing. When I stepped on the scale that morning, I was 255.

The first week, I lost seven pounds. That really lifted my spirits. It actually worked! Because really, I wasn't convinced. Over the years, my eating habits had greatly improved. I just could not understand why I was gaining. But that very first day, when I had to account for everything I ate, was a huge wake up call. I fixed Sophie's plate, and when she was done, I went to clean it. Then I stopped myself. I can't eat this! The Sophie leftovers alone where hundreds of calories at least. Then she wanted snacks. And I realized that when I got her crackers, I always had some. Totally mindless eating that I hadn't even noticed. But no more! Because now I had a points budget. And if there is one thing I am good at, it is sticking to a budget!!

So on 10/27/09, I was down seven pounds. Out of the 250's, where I had vowed previously I would never be again. And on that day, we put down our beloved pug Simon. Our first baby. He had been in bad shape for quite a while, and I was in denial, much like I was with the weight. Ignoring the issue because it was too hard to deal with. But that weekend, I watched him struggle to follow me everywhere I went. And I knew it was time. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Normally, I would have eaten myself into oblivion. Thank God I had to stick to my points budget. I had to deal with my grief without food.

So here I am, eight months later. I weigh 193. Under 200!! I actually had a one pound gain last week, only the second since I started. But it wasn't because I went buck wild with food. It was because I struggled to eat my points most of the week. I didn't feel good, and wasn't hungry. Then I got my appetite back, and used weeklies right before weigh in, and I gained. But, that is just part of the journey. I am 8 pounds from being overweight, and not obese. When I reach 185, I will be 30 pounds overweight, and not 100 pounds obese. So exciting! But scary too. Because if I am no longer fat, then who the hell am I? At some point, people may actually start to look at me, and remember my name when they meet me. I am not used to that. But I am hiding no more.

Where do I begin?

I was a normal weight as a child, and started gaining during puberty. In the 7th grade, I was 78 pounds. By the tenth I was in the 140's, and by the time I graduated high school, I was around 180. After that, I didn't weigh myself for a long time.

Why?? Why does a person become obese? Why would anyone let themselves get to 260+ pounds. For me, I know the reasons are many. But the fact is, for whatever reason, I wanted to be. Because if I really didn't, I wouldn't be. Yes, there are contributing factors, physical and mental. But the filthy truth is, I didn't want to deal with it, so for many years I didn't. Yes, there was some up's and down's on the scale. But to really attack the problem and deal with it? I did it once, in the mid 90's. I got under 200 pounds for a very brief amount of time. Then I settled in, and started creeping back up.

Equal to the many reasons I was obese in the first place, are the amount of reasons that I started Weight Watchers and started losing. The nitty gritty? I wanted to live a healthier, longer, and richer life than I was living. It has already gotten better! And at the same time, it is scaring the crap out of me. Because I am slowly coming out of hiding. Even though I have been here all along...