I am Ann

Okay, so in my last post I said if I am not fat, who am I? But really, "I" know who I am, and always have. I remember even as a child having a great sense of self. My problem is how I project that onto others. And I am very interested to see if things change if and when I get to a normal weight, or if it has nothing to do with my weight at all. From observing my family, I am beginning to think it has more to do with the environment I was raised in then my weight. Though I do know that my weight and looks make me self conscious to a point. And maybe some is genetic. I know as a young child I was very outgoing and would go up and talk to anyone. By the time I was in the 5th grade, I started hearing that "shy" word. And by high school, I would not talk unless spoken to. Which is pretty much how it has remained. Now once you speak to me, watch out. Because I won't shut up. And you will know more about me than you ever wanted to.

A lot of my confidence and self esteem I acquired at work. Up until my junior year in high school I played soccer and I was pretty good. But I was not good in school. I just was not interested. My ability to write is the only reason I passed at all. I swear, I got full points on many test essay questions when I hadn't even read the material. I can't bullshit in person to save my life, but on paper I rock. As I will get into more in depth at some point, my parents have their own issues which were reflected on us. I got praise from my dad for my soccer skills. But most other feed back I got was negative. When it came time to apply for college my mom said that they did not want to waste the money on me, because they needed to send my sister the next year, and she was an honor student. One of my all time favorite quotes, which pretty much sums up my parents attitude, is from right after my high school graduation. We got in the car and my dad says "Nobody clapped for you". Yep. No "great job, we are so proud of you!" I swear, the only reason I have any confidence or self esteem is the inner strength that God blessed me with. That and my job, and later Chet and Sophie. I worked with Chet, and we were friendly. And at some point, I decided I had to have that boy. And it didn't matter that I was fat. I pursued him until he said uncle. As far as Sophie goes, I will do everything I can to make sure she believes she is the most special person in the world. When people make comments about her being shy(so), or any other put downs, my blood literally boils. I don't know how far I am going to get with all this parental comparative talk. Kids are who they are. Sophie is advanced in speech, but she is selective on who she will talk to. And she does not do things on demand. Don't tell my child to wave, because you may get the finger. And it may be mine.

Perhaps it is because I was not a fat child, but I never really felt like a fat person, per say. Being fat is just a fact, but doesn't define me. I hate when I refer to myself as fat and someone says "don't put yourself down". Umm, I wasn't, I was stating a fact. Or, "you are not fat". Yeah, okay. My favorite is my mother telling me to suck my stomach in. Because you know, that works when you are 200 pounds plus. I have never dealt with blatant teasing. I have read so many times about fat people being called names, and I only remember that happening maybe once or twice. Now, I did get called fat bitch at work by rude, cheating, thieving customers. To which I always smirked, since I couldn't say, umm yes, I am fat, and sometimes I am a bitch. But right now I am just following policy moron. Sometimes I was fat white bitch. No, I got the passive aggressive and constant question, "when are you due". Now some people honestly thought I was. Stupid people, because while I do carry a lot of weight in my stomach, it is pretty obvious that I am fat. My usual response is no, just fat. But being asked that question when you are desperately trying to have a baby, and a few times during my two miscarriages, is very hard. So sometimes I was as snappy as one could be while trying to be polite to customers. But many times, they asked just to be facetious. Like the few that actually argued with me that I must be because I looked pregnant. Please, unless you KNOW someone is pregnant, do not ask when they are due. Or if they are pregnant. Though, at least with that question it is left open that maybe you aren't. But most people just assumed that I was. And even having lost weight, they would still be asking, trust me.

The other thing that happened to me many times, and prompted the title of my blog, is the assumption that I couldn't possibly be with my hubby, since I am a fatty Mcfatty and he is not. Imagine sitting next to your husband, and someone asking the person sitting across, with their hubby, if she is Chet's wife. Or my fav, when we went to New York for the first time and Chet and I were sitting in a pew at church for his brother's wedding rehearsal and the girl behind us was asked if she was Ann. Chet's best friend is heavy, and if the three of us go out together, it is assumed that he and I are the couple. That even happened at Sophie's baptism. Mind you, he is black, and Sophie clearly is not. I love Chet's family, but the first time I met them, I would have sworn they never saw a fat person in their life.

So, to the outside world, that is what I am. A fat person. I am very good at remembering names, usually. I knew the names of hundreds of customers at seven different stores. If I meet someone, or just hear their name in a group setting, I remember them. I may not have talked directly to them, because if they didn't talk to me, I probably didn't approach them. But once I have heard their name, I remember them, and assume they know my name. Which is rarely the case. Is it because I am fat, and they just stored "fat girl" in their memory? I don't know. But I can't wait to find out. :-)

Tomorrow is weigh in day, woo hoo!