The weight of it.

My WW journey began on Monday night October 19th. That is when I signed up for WW online. Now, I am very tight with money. Or rather, I worry about it constantly. So spending the money to sign up for three months was a big deal. You see, in August of 2008, I left my job. I brought home about 70% of our income, and the only way I was able to leave was by setting aside money in savings to pay the mortgage and car payment. We have really scaled back on our living expenses, so I am very careful about what I spend. But, I had reached breaking point. When I started to talk to my hubby about weight loss surgery, I knew it was time to do something. I had always said I wouldn't do surgery. I love food way to much to shrink my stomach to the size of a pea. The thing is, I had planned to take a year off, stay home with Sophie, and work on my weight. I wanted to change my life. Start anew, and do a little reinvention. But there I was, not any smaller but actually starting to gain.

So I signed up, and on Tuesday morning 10/20/09, I weighed myself. Now, previous to finally conceiving Sophie, I had lost weight. When I got pregnant in November of 2006, I weighed 235. I had lost over 30 pounds since 2005. I gained 15 pounds during the pregnancy, most of it water at the end. Ten days after having her, I was under 230. Then it started creeping back on. I went back to work when she was nine weeks old and worked for ten months. I hovered around 240, and when I left was probably around 245. My job was very physical, with a lot of fast walking, bending and some lifting. I worked part of the time at my desk, but I did get daily exercise. Being home, even chasing after a toddler, I don't get near the exercise. Last summer I was walking about three times a week. I had also started the Wii, and went from 250 to about 243. But by October, I wasn't walking or Wii-ing. When I stepped on the scale that morning, I was 255.

The first week, I lost seven pounds. That really lifted my spirits. It actually worked! Because really, I wasn't convinced. Over the years, my eating habits had greatly improved. I just could not understand why I was gaining. But that very first day, when I had to account for everything I ate, was a huge wake up call. I fixed Sophie's plate, and when she was done, I went to clean it. Then I stopped myself. I can't eat this! The Sophie leftovers alone where hundreds of calories at least. Then she wanted snacks. And I realized that when I got her crackers, I always had some. Totally mindless eating that I hadn't even noticed. But no more! Because now I had a points budget. And if there is one thing I am good at, it is sticking to a budget!!

So on 10/27/09, I was down seven pounds. Out of the 250's, where I had vowed previously I would never be again. And on that day, we put down our beloved pug Simon. Our first baby. He had been in bad shape for quite a while, and I was in denial, much like I was with the weight. Ignoring the issue because it was too hard to deal with. But that weekend, I watched him struggle to follow me everywhere I went. And I knew it was time. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Normally, I would have eaten myself into oblivion. Thank God I had to stick to my points budget. I had to deal with my grief without food.

So here I am, eight months later. I weigh 193. Under 200!! I actually had a one pound gain last week, only the second since I started. But it wasn't because I went buck wild with food. It was because I struggled to eat my points most of the week. I didn't feel good, and wasn't hungry. Then I got my appetite back, and used weeklies right before weigh in, and I gained. But, that is just part of the journey. I am 8 pounds from being overweight, and not obese. When I reach 185, I will be 30 pounds overweight, and not 100 pounds obese. So exciting! But scary too. Because if I am no longer fat, then who the hell am I? At some point, people may actually start to look at me, and remember my name when they meet me. I am not used to that. But I am hiding no more.